my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
