Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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