I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
