I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
