ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
