i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
