It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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