Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
