it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
