So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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