How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
