Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
