just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
