i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
