3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
