Do you still have your period?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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