Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize