: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
