you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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