I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
