Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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