I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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