If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
