..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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