my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
