guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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