so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
