I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
