Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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