Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize