Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
