Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Boobs speak an international language.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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