I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
