i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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