i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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