i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
