he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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