i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
