i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
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