he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
