At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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