Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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