you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
