Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
