wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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