just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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