Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
