I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
