I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize