It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
