HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
