she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
