im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
