I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
