Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize