a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
