I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
