guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
