You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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